BLXCK | WHXTE
I swear i overthink myself into a bad mood at least 8 times a day
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HOW TO LEAVE AND NOT COME BACK
1. leave in the morning. five is good, four is better.
2. no taxis, no trains, just the bus. if you want you can walk but you’ll have to run. no long sleeves. no nice shoes. just a bag, small as you can make it, and cash. no food or water, you won’t need it. your body is going to turn into air.
3. and here is the important part, here is the part that can kill you; you have to take it all with you. it’s often a book but some people have short videos, interactive dioramas, songs that last fifteen minutes at a time. you can make them yourself or you can ask your best friend or your favorite teacher. pay them well, even if they don’t ask for money. tuck the bills under their doormat and run away quiet.
4. you have to bring everything. your whole home distilled into one hundred pages or forty five minutes or one perfect painting. it all has to be there. and it has to hurt too, hurt looking at it, hurt seeing everything you’ll never get to again. pack it away and keep it safe and dry and clean. don’t lose it.
5. don’t stay in hotels. bed and breakfasts are good, convents are even better. go to bed early, wake up before dawn, keep running. pay everyone generously, don’t make eye contact, but smile. don’t ever hitchhike. don’t ever look behind you.
6. and you have to feel it every day. before you go to sleep go over your whole life again. take it out, unwrap it, hold it and trace the edges and look. look at it. maybe cry a little. you think it’ll hurt less in time but it’ll come in waves. it’ll never go away.
7. you’ll make it. most of them do. it’ll be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but if you start you’re going to finish. you’ll know when you’re done. it’ll probably be a body of water that does it, standing on the white sand of a lake, or a rocky cliff before a beautiful valley. you’ll stand on the edge and feel the hurt in your lungs and your back will feel heavier then it ever has. breathe in.
8. what were you looking for?
9. here
